Part-Time Pundit

Dear Mr Bambenek-

Wake up! Off the couch! Snap out of it please! And please know that a Sun education marketing manager has taken pity on your situation. Our fulfillment house should be contacting you soon for your address, so that we can send you a Sun-logoed item. I can't promise it will be a coffee mug, but rest assured you will have a treasure from Sun to brighten your days.

We can only hope you will be a trifle more careful with things you receive from us in the future, otherwise we will worry incessantly about your welfare.

Cheers,

XXXX

p.s. Contact me if you don't receive an item.

QUESTION
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For the past week I've been feeling a nagging vacuum that has been present in my life. I've been lethargic and unmotivated to handle life's challenges. It was only until recently I have discovered the cause of this crisis, I had lost my Sun Ed coffee mug!

Much to my shock and horror, this mug has simply disappeared leaving me in an uncaffeinated state of dismay rivaling that of postal workers. It is the lack of this highly prized item, the black extra-large mug that enabled me to at once consume copious amounts of caffeine and to render poor service to my users with my trademark wit and disdain for humanity.

Without this mug I am left with the expressionless demeanor of your standard DMV desk clerk.

I appeal to your sense of decency and justice to fill the void in my life that has been left in the wake of my lost mug and find it in your heart to send me a replacement.